TDOR 2025: This is who we are.

In our support meetings, I often tell parents who are new to the journey that when our kids come out as transgender it affects us, but it’s not about us. When a loved one comes out, they’re telling us, “This is who I am.”

The statement is simple but powerful and it’s the theme for Transgender Day of Remembrance 2025: This is who we are.

The words matter. When we say someone “identifies as” transgender, nonbinary, gender-nonconforming, etc., that frames it as if it’s a choice or an optional way of thinking about the person, which is incorrect and harmful. Cisgender people don’t say they “identify as” women or men, they just state that they are. It’s who they are.

And transgender people are telling us: This is who we are. 

Some refer to themselves as transgender women or transgender men. Others just say that they are women and men. Some say they’re nonbinary - neither women nor men, or perhaps some combination of the two. Many prefer to say they’re queer, either because other labels don’t apply or they’re not comfortable disclosing, particularly these days when that disclosure can have life-altering consequences. 

It’s the heart-breaking reason we need Transgender Day of Remembrance. TDoR was first observed in 1999 as a vigil organized by transgender advocate Gwendolyn Ann Smith for Rita Hester, a transgender woman who was killed in 1998. We observe the day every year to honour the memories of the beautiful souls we lose to hateful violence.

I often say that my loved one coming out to me was a gift. As a consequence of their self-discovery, I went on my own learning journey, re-examining long-held beliefs and challenging biases I’d internalized throughout my life. While this isn’t about me, it does affect me in ways that have caused me to grow and learn; that would not have happened otherwise and I’m grateful. 

So maybe you’re wondering how you should respond when someone shares with you, “This is who I am.” Here are some things you can say:

“I love you and I’m here for you.”

“Thank you for trusting me. How can I help/support?”

“I don’t know exactly what this means, but I’ll learn.”

“It might take me a bit of time to adjust, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

So as we observe Transgender Day of Remembrance, to all of our transgender loved ones: We see you, we love you, and we stand with you.